Man Law Mondays

Over the years I have collected many, verbal and non verbal, cues and clues that women have tossed around in conversations, arguments, misunderstandings and in love and sex. From a late night escapade to any serious relationship, women utilize a language all to themselves. The wonderful creatures that they are, are just doing what comes natural to them. Engrained from birth is a power that has been refined by the process of human evolution. Over thousands of years their subtle guerrilla tactics have been honed and sharpened. From the most humble to the most “travelled”, their understanding of body language and vast knowledge of how dumb we are, gives them a constant upper hand. Women have the ability to leave a man not knowing what in the hell she wants him to do. This is a most crucial ManLaw. Without of a basic understanding of how women operate there is bound to be confusion on our part as Men. 

I know many of you Men are not good at this because all your girlfriends tell me about you at my shows. “I always forward your ManLaws to my boyfriend and STILL he still doesn’t treat me the way he should!!!! What do I do!!???” Your birds are opening up to me!! Thats your job!! You’re lucky I heed my own Laws and tell them to try and work it out with you first and have a conversation instead of introducing them to my boys. I don’t mean to throw you under the bus fellas but you’re acting like punks. Either break up with her and find someone else or treat her right. 

We must also understand that no matter what any woman says about not wanting to be in a serious relationship or that the casual attitude of sleeping with other people doesn’t bother them. IT BOTHERS THEM. It may start out that way but if a woman goes out in public with you more than 5 times, shes your girlfriend and thats what she tells her friends. No matter their disposition, age or creed. They all want someone who loves them, is there for them, is polite, honest, reliable, great in bed and a million other things they have been picturing about you in their heads since they were 6. If you’d like to be confused and alone for the rest of your life, stop reading now. If you want to try a little and give her a bit of effort maybe you’ll have a better time  coping with the issues that arise on a daily basis. I cannot divulge all the secrets but below are a few translations that can help guide you on your path to Knighthood. 

“If you want to go out tonight thats cool with me, I’m just gonna stay home” = If you’re in a relationship this means “Stay home” if it’s a fling it means, “Ask me out to dinner” or “I’m going out with another guy”

“You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday…” = “You god damn better get me lots for my birthday or you won’t see my panties ever again”

When you ask her a question and she says, “Noooooooooooo…” in a slightly questioning tone , it means “Yessssssssssss!!”

“I’m tired” = “Leave me alone and don’t touch me till morning”

“Yeah babe, whatever you want to do…” = “You better do what I want to do or you’re gonna pay”

“Baayyybeee???” = “I need you to do something.” It could be to get a dish from a high shelf or to paint the entire house before sundown.

“It’s okay. I can just take the train home from the city tonight. I’ll be fine.” = “Take me there and pick me up to make sure I get home safely.”

These examples may all sound like negative head games and that women are trying to pull some kind of proverbial wool over our eyes. The point of this exercise is to teach you that women want you to know what they want without coming right out and saying it. It’s too easy for them to just tell you what to do. They want you to listen to them and respond like you know what they said. Say “What?”to her enough times and you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

My father has a method that he calls “The Hinge.”  I don’t recommend this technique to be used often, but it can be good for days when you are having trouble coping with a woman’s daily needs. It’s super easy but also super transparent. While she talks to you about whatever it is that she is interested in at that moment, go about your businees and look at her in the eyes every 5 seconds or so and nod and agree with your head like a hinge. Say things like, “yeah, for sure” and “Anything you want, beautiful” Now, this is an extreme example and I don’t personally use this because my mother very much dislikes this tactic and it’s not the most solid option.  

All I am saying, gentlemen, is that we can sometimes use thier own powers against them but it’s more about “Dishing out what you want in return.”  Just treat people the way that you like to be treated. Use this knowledge to educate your self further on the matter of women’s language and you will live a happily fulfilled life with many good things to come your way.  We will never ever, ever, ever master this artform but every good challenge deserves another try. 

Stay tuned for more ManLawMondays…

I recently got these questions from readers of the ManLaws .. I love the questions! Keep ’em coming! 

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“I need your advice.

What do I do about a man who seems interested, is constantly being flirtatious, but has a girlfriend? Do I give up? Do I make my interests more obvious? Isn’t there a manlaw about stringing girls along?

Sincerely,
Confused female”

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Dear Ms. Confused,

This guy sounds like a confused female himself. I would tell him to his face if he and I ever met. I also wouldn’t put much stock in this dudes ability to commit to his girlfriend let alone commit with you. If he’s flirting behind her back with you, he doesn’t much care about her or women in general. Even if you did sway him to your side of the tracks, how do you know he’s not just going to do the same thing to you and flirt with other broads.  I don’t want to sound like I’m hating on the guy because I don’t know all the circumstances, but usually once a jerk always a jerk. It’s like that old stigma about a husband never leaving his wife for his mistress. He’s never gonna leave his wife, no matter how many times he tells the mistress he will. He’s too much of wuss to man up and deal with his situation. Stringing someone along is the worst.  (ManLaw 178)

On the other hand, If you really like the guy, be honest with him and if he’s not into to it, move on. I am certain that it will be his loss. I am also sure you have a long life ahead of you and you will meet other people that will treat you the way you want and need to be treated. Show love and you will receive it in return.  

The bottom line is to be yourself. Always. If someone doesn’t like who you are or what you’re into, they can take a long walk off a short pier. I never want to be surrounded by people that bring me down with them. It’s much better to be around someone who pushes you to be a better person and learn more about yourself everyday. To make you stronger, inside and out.  

I hope this answers you question. 

Best regards,

Brian Newman

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“Is it true that the days of 18-20 percent, for a spectacular meal are gone? Does the average fella’ gotta pay near 30 percent?”

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Dear Average Fella,

The art of tipping varies in different situations. If you really love the place and the staff, tipping extra is not only a sign of gratitude but also usually guarantee of excellent service. The next time you walk in without a reservation you’ll probably get a table much faster and in a nicer part of the restaurant. Maybe even a couple glasses of Champagne while you wait. 

When I take my lady out for a spectacular dinner we usually go to one of our many favorite haunts. We not only choose these places because of the amazing food, but for the entire dining experience.  The table, the quickness of service and the friendliness you get from the host and the staff. I am not saying you have to pay for people to like you and you should always act like a gentleman anyways, but whats an extra 10 bucks after a 300 dollar meal. 

It goes all the way back to the bible, “Do unto others as they would do unto you.” Take care of the people that take care of you and you will be taken care of for life. 

Now Mr. Fella, this is not you but here is an extreme example of now not to act at a dinner with a group of friends or a date.  We know those hats and cats that when the bill comes they get out there calculator to decide what exact percentage of wine they drank and how many french fries they ate. If you don’t have money, stay home and make a big bowl Top Ramen. If  you initiate the date you should pay. If you’re with friends, spilt the check evenly. Don’t stick the rest of the crew with your sales tax and tip. It’s just plain old cheap. Nobody like a cheap skate. 

You asked her out. She bought all your BS and said, “Yes, I’d like that.” You pulled it off, bro. Congrats. Here’s the most important part.  DON’T  SCREW IT UP! If you like her treat her like a lady and she’ll give it back to you and treat you like a man. 

I love a good date. Nothing makes me feel better, besides playing music and the other obvious dating perks. If executed properly with the right company, a great date can be something you remember for a long time, or least until your champagne hangover wears off. 

In an earlier post I gave a you guys a set of guidelines to follow when taking a lady for a night out. Here I have written some more ways to treat her right. I may repeat myself at times, but that’s just because some of you guys are hard of hearing. 

1. Never order anything before she does.

2. Always give her the seat on the banquet, you take the chair. The best view goes to the lady. (This is the same on planes, don’t take the window seat if you know she likes it)

3. Tip the wait staff well. 25-30 percent is suffice, especially if they gave you some stuff for free. Always tip on the full amount of the bill not on the discount. The waiter or waitress works for less than minimum wage and make all their money on tips plus you’re paying the busboys salary too.

4. Never pull out a coupon.  (See  5)

5. Ever. 

6. If service is shitty or they screw up the bill, don’t make a scene. Keep your cool. Excuse yourself politely and handle the situation calmly and collectively with the manager.

7. When a man gets up from a table it is only necessary to say, “Excuse me.” No other details are needed.

8. When walking offer your arm. Its just as romantic as putting your cloak over a puddle. Hand holding should be reserved for when you have a girlfriend or woman you love. 

9. This one is really old-fashioned but when walking on the sidewalk she should be on the inside. With traffic closest to you. Reason being if some cabbie jumps the curb you can get her out of the way of danger and stop the car with your sheer power, strength and brawn. 

10. Stay off your cellphone at the dinner table. You should make her feel like a queen not be texting to your buddies on the phone during the date. Wait for her to go to the ladies room if you have to check your phone.  

11. Movies are cool for a 4th or 5th date but try to take her to places where you can get to know each other and actually talk. It’s easy to get along with someone when there is no conversation. 

12. Chicks like spontaneity. Do something different than you usually do. 

13. Stay away from sports bars for dates. Take her somewhere you think she would like. Same with gifts. Don’t buy her what you like, buy her what she likes. 

14. If your dating methods are not working. Get some new methods. Never anything wrong with trying new things.  

15. Practice talking to girls without the intent of trying to date them. You will have much better luck. Desperation is a stinky cologne. 

16. Shut up and LISTEN TO HER.  She’s smarter than you, you’ll probably learn something. 

18. Lose the ball cap. If you do wear a hat, remove it when indoors. 

19.  If you drive to pick her up, for Christ’s sake, wash the car, man. Inside and out. 

20. If you have more than one partner, she probably does too. Whatever happened to plain old one on one? Be a man, not a punk. 

Stay tuned for more ManLawMondays…