Man Law Mondays

A wise man once said to me, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” The following  ManLaw is crucial to the health of a Man’s mind and spirit. Keeping your lady contented and comfortable being with and around you is an arduous and sometimes daunting task. A woman’s mood is subject to many different small details and circumstances that greatly effect their overall disposition and level of happiness. If you’ve ever gone steady with a girl for longer than 6 months you know what I’m talking about. A relationship can be like a nice hot shower. Comfortable, cleansing, relaxing and refreshing…..until she flushes the toilet.  

Here’s s a few simple things you can do at home to ensure your lady of choice keeps coming back for more. You don’t have to be whipped about it but if you call yourself a man, you can grow up a little and act like one. 

1. Women generally don’t like clutter so hang up you jacket in the closet or coat rack when you come in and try to keep your keys and things neatly in one spot. 

2. If you’re going out with the boys give her at least a day or two’s notice depending on how long you’ve been together. After you’ve been together a while, longer notice is necessary due to growth in irrational insanity. 

3. If you make a sandwich, put the mustard away and clean up the crumbs. 

4. Even though they should look before sitting and I think that asking us to put the seat down is just a test to see how much they can push us. It will make it easier for all of us if we just put the toilet seat down.  Ever had a bitchy cashier at the grocery or the bank? It’s probably because someone left the seat up this morning and they went to work with a cold ass. If you can’t even put the seat down, what else can’t you do????

5. Keep things in the fridge she likes, even if you don’t eat the stuff. Go out of your way to show her you know what she’s into. I’m not a big fan of olives but I have 5 different varieties in the fridge just for my fidanzata. 

6. Speaking of the fridge. Stop reading right now and clean out the fridge before another science project grows out of last years beef and bean burrito. 

7. I know you like Man movies, but watch James Bond with her if you want to watch a guy flick, not Scarface. I’m not saying you have to double feature Dirty Dancing and You’ve Got Mail every night, but it’s not always about you. 

8. Once again for the dummies. It’s not always about you. Get over it, bro. 

9. Clean the house a little more often, especially the bathroom. No chick likes a dirty bathroom.

10. Learn to cook something other than Chef Boyardee. A good woman appreciates a better man with a good meal, a good bottle of wine in a good clean house.  

Follow these ManLaws and I promise it will lead to some good clean fun. 

Stay tuned for more ManLawMondays…

Over the years I have collected many, verbal and non verbal, cues and clues that women have tossed around in conversations, arguments, misunderstandings and in love and sex. From a late night escapade to any serious relationship, women utilize a language all to themselves. The wonderful creatures that they are, are just doing what comes natural to them. Engrained from birth is a power that has been refined by the process of human evolution. Over thousands of years their subtle guerrilla tactics have been honed and sharpened. From the most humble to the most “travelled”, their understanding of body language and vast knowledge of how dumb we are, gives them a constant upper hand. Women have the ability to leave a man not knowing what in the hell she wants him to do. This is a most crucial ManLaw. Without of a basic understanding of how women operate there is bound to be confusion on our part as Men. 

I know many of you Men are not good at this because all your girlfriends tell me about you at my shows. “I always forward your ManLaws to my boyfriend and STILL he still doesn’t treat me the way he should!!!! What do I do!!???” Your birds are opening up to me!! Thats your job!! You’re lucky I heed my own Laws and tell them to try and work it out with you first and have a conversation instead of introducing them to my boys. I don’t mean to throw you under the bus fellas but you’re acting like punks. Either break up with her and find someone else or treat her right. 

We must also understand that no matter what any woman says about not wanting to be in a serious relationship or that the casual attitude of sleeping with other people doesn’t bother them. IT BOTHERS THEM. It may start out that way but if a woman goes out in public with you more than 5 times, shes your girlfriend and thats what she tells her friends. No matter their disposition, age or creed. They all want someone who loves them, is there for them, is polite, honest, reliable, great in bed and a million other things they have been picturing about you in their heads since they were 6. If you’d like to be confused and alone for the rest of your life, stop reading now. If you want to try a little and give her a bit of effort maybe you’ll have a better time  coping with the issues that arise on a daily basis. I cannot divulge all the secrets but below are a few translations that can help guide you on your path to Knighthood. 

“If you want to go out tonight thats cool with me, I’m just gonna stay home” = If you’re in a relationship this means “Stay home” if it’s a fling it means, “Ask me out to dinner” or “I’m going out with another guy”

“You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday…” = “You god damn better get me lots for my birthday or you won’t see my panties ever again”

When you ask her a question and she says, “Noooooooooooo…” in a slightly questioning tone , it means “Yessssssssssss!!”

“I’m tired” = “Leave me alone and don’t touch me till morning”

“Yeah babe, whatever you want to do…” = “You better do what I want to do or you’re gonna pay”

“Baayyybeee???” = “I need you to do something.” It could be to get a dish from a high shelf or to paint the entire house before sundown.

“It’s okay. I can just take the train home from the city tonight. I’ll be fine.” = “Take me there and pick me up to make sure I get home safely.”

These examples may all sound like negative head games and that women are trying to pull some kind of proverbial wool over our eyes. The point of this exercise is to teach you that women want you to know what they want without coming right out and saying it. It’s too easy for them to just tell you what to do. They want you to listen to them and respond like you know what they said. Say “What?”to her enough times and you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

My father has a method that he calls “The Hinge.”  I don’t recommend this technique to be used often, but it can be good for days when you are having trouble coping with a woman’s daily needs. It’s super easy but also super transparent. While she talks to you about whatever it is that she is interested in at that moment, go about your businees and look at her in the eyes every 5 seconds or so and nod and agree with your head like a hinge. Say things like, “yeah, for sure” and “Anything you want, beautiful” Now, this is an extreme example and I don’t personally use this because my mother very much dislikes this tactic and it’s not the most solid option.  

All I am saying, gentlemen, is that we can sometimes use thier own powers against them but it’s more about “Dishing out what you want in return.”  Just treat people the way that you like to be treated. Use this knowledge to educate your self further on the matter of women’s language and you will live a happily fulfilled life with many good things to come your way.  We will never ever, ever, ever master this artform but every good challenge deserves another try. 

Stay tuned for more ManLawMondays…